Let me say up front that this post gets pretty graphic. If you get grossed out very easily, then you may want to skip this altogether.
I almost cut off my d@mn finger at lunch today. Traci and I had ordered an apple slicer that I was tickled sh*tless about. So, after I eat lunch (at home), I grab an apple and decide to put the slicer to use for the first time.
I positioned the slicer’s center hole over the apple’s core and pushed all the way down. The cut was smooth, but the apple was still connected at the bottom. I wanted a clean cut all the way through. I turned the slicer upside down and surveyed the apple still hanging from the blades by only the slightest width of skin.
So, I did what anyone in their right minds would do: still holding the slicer upside down, I put my thumb on the bottom of the apple core and push.
The core, indeed, went through. As did my thumb. The pain was not what I expected. The gush of blood that resulted exceeded my expectations.
I grabbed a paper towel and wrapped it around my thumb. The cut was deep and rounded, like the slicer had just bitten a chunk out of my skin. A flap of flesh was just barely hanging on. In hindsight, I probably should’ve left it on. But you know how it is; if you dent your car and your paint starts chipping, you know that you shouldn’t peel it off. But you do it anyway.
With the paper towel bunched up, one quick tug later and the flap of skin was gone. As was any way of me stopping the blood from coming out of my body.
I went through another few sheets of paper towels just trying to get a f*cking band-aid open. It took me longer to get the band-aid wrapper open than it took for the blood to render it a moist and useless ball of sticky. Since we apparently didn’t have a band-aid that would cover a cut that was bigger than a ant’s vagine, I just wrapped my thumb with a paper towel and scotch tape.
I cleaned up some blood splatters that had occured, threw the freshly cut apple away, and headed back to work. As soon as I return, Aaron calls and asks me to come take pictures of a percussionist who is recording.
“Nice blood-soaked bandage,” the percussionist greets me. I take a few shots of him and then realize that I’m feeling a little light-headed. So I leave my stuff on Aaron’s desk in the studio and come back to my office where I pop three Motrin. Later I learn this was probably another mistake because this drug is a blood-thinner.
I make it through the day without fainting (as far as I know) and when I arrive home, I find Whitney and Traci baking some banana breads for their bosses to celebrate boss’s day. I’m hungry so I ask if I can go get them some food. Whitney says she’s not hungry and Traci doesn’t answer. Since this was supposed to be a gaming night I grab a beer (another blood thinner) and head downstairs where I quickly find that my new gash does not allow me to effectively game. I down the beer and head back upstairs. Traci says that she has a few spare moments to look at my cut.
We peel off the blood-soaked paper towel only to find more blood filtering out of my beloved finger. She calls Whitney in for a look and Whitney offers to run to Walgreens to pick up some bandages and some liquid skin (or liquid bandage).
Almost 30 minutes later, and after several different methods of creating an artificial dam for my maroon river, we finally get the blood to where it wants to stay in my body rather than gush out.
As of today (Wednesday, October 17), I am in stable condition. Though my thumb is sore, it looks to be on the mend. The day after all this occurred, I looked at the directions for the apple slicer and on the first page it has a picture of what I did with a big X through it. So, keep that in mind the next time you want a quick way to slice your apple.